Afrigather “When You Come to the Finish of a Excellent Day,” by Dorothy Parker, was initially revealed within the November 1917 situation of Vogue.
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It began after I crossed the French grey threshold of Mme. Claudine, magnificence specialist. As much as that point, I’ve at all times thought of myself blissful. My life was singularly free from care and sorrow, and I knew nothing of the bitterness of labour. However that’s throughout now. I’ll by no means be the harmless lady that I used to be earlier than Mme. Claudine, magnificence specialist. got here into my life. I could pet over it, however I shall by no means be the identical.
You see, I’ve at all times had a longing to be stunning. It was a veritable obsession with me. On account of having individuals say to me, in early youth. “Do not you care—good-looking is as good-looking does,” or “By no means you thoughts. pricey, it is not at all times a reasonably face that draws the lads,” I grew fairly bitter concerning the factor. I took each fairly girl as a private affront, and each time some unusually dazzling creature handed me, I murmured, resentfully, “‘There, however for the grace of God, go I!” However, although I longed with all my coronary heart to be stunning, I by no means took any motion about it. I did not know precisely what to do. I spotted that there have been far too many stunning girls on this world for magnificence to be a mere present of nature, however I had no concept the way it was attained,—that’s, I had no concept till I went to see Mme. Claudine. Mme. Claudine’s mauve and French pray salon was a deceit-fully unbusinesslike place, cloying with the odours of myriad lotions and powders. Mme. Claudine herself was tall and darkish and exquisitely painted, clad in a grey robe that seemed as if it had been placed on with a brush. She had a way singularly at variance together with her seems to be, for she was brisk and businesslike, and she or he spoke volubly, in a transparent, somewhat loud voice.
The Etceteras of Magnificence
When girls cease eager to be stunning, and Mme. Claudine is compelled to discontinue her enterprise as a magnificence specialist, one other calling is awaiting her. She will turn into an agent for “The Lives and Letters of the World’s Best Composers,” in fourteen volumes; so unmistakable a expertise I’ve by no means seen. In half an hour she had bought me extra lotions, lotions, soaps, ointments, and home equipment than I had even recognized existed. When the case containing all of the articles was deposited in my corridor that afternoon, I couldn’t imagine that it held my purchases. I believed that some one had performed a joke on me and despatched me a Ford.
Mme. Claudine was nothing if not thorough. She set down a eating regimen listing, rigidly excluding every little thing palatable, she wrote a collection of workout routines, and she or he gave me a folio of directions as to the precise use of every support to magnificence that I had acquired. It appeared that the necessary a part of the remedy was that it have to be utilized at evening, simply earlier than retiring. The final hour, earlier than I went to mattress, was to be the busiest hour of the day. She gave me the impression that every little thing can be ruined if the rites had been con- ducted by daylight. It should all be completed at evening,—the workout routines most be gone by, the lotions utilized, the contrivances to carry magnificence nearer have to be donned. These had been her final phrases to me, “Keep in mind, at evening, simply earlier than you go to mattress.”
I questioned why, on the time, one should do all this simply earlier than going to mattress. I do know, now, all too effectively. It’s as a result of, after one has completed together with her battle for magnificence, she is so exhausted that she could not probably do something however go to mattress. However I’m digressing.
Within the Watches of the Night time
That evening, I locked myself in what the early- Victorian novelists known as the privateness of my chamber. I knew that one ought to have a French maid or so to help with the ceremonies,—they’re a part of the ceremony. However, though under no circumstances a clairvoyant kind of particular person, I appeared to see an image of what I used to be going to appear to be after I was accoutred in a few of these magnificence contrivances of Mme. Claudine’s invention, and I felt it was a type of instances which come within the life of each girl, when it’s best to be alone.
I began the efficiency at my normal retiring-hour, pondering, in my blissful ignorance, that it will be throughout in about twenty minutes. I’ve since realized that one ought to start one’s magnificence tradition about tea-time,—that’s. if one needs to go to mattress the identical evening.
The very first thing on the listing was my hair. In happier days, I had at all times brushed my hair fifty instances, evening and morning, and known as it a day. However that was mere kid’s play in comparison with Mme. Claudine’s system. First, the scalp needed to be massaged for twenty minutes.—how straightforward that’s to learn! There has by no means been an extended twenty minutes in my life than that one. After 5 minutes had handed I used to be totally bored, however I massaged doggedly on, grimly decided to obey directions to the letter, if I died for it. When that was over, my hair needed to be brushed 200 and thirty-seven instances. I’ve usually questioned why the thirty-seven, and I’ve concluded that it’s simply to surprise about—to present you one thing to think about, so you will not go mad within the dreary counting of the strokes. Mme. Claudine had insisted on the usage of a particular brush, which, after I first lifted it. I believed should weigh simply 5 kilos. By the point I had completed utilizing it, I made a decision that it weighed twenty.
The subsequent occasions on Mme. Claudine’s programme are the workout routines. The deep- respiratory ones, based on her dictum, are to be completed in entrance of an open win- dow. I opened the window as huge as potential and bravely took up my stand in entrance of it, praying that the individuals throughout the road had been nonetheless within the nation. After which I began respiratory deeply, making dramatic gestures with my arms, in the meantime, based on directions,— holding them out in entrance entreatingly, elevating them above my head exultingly, stretching them huge wearily, dropping them at my sides hopelessly. I did this till exhaustion made me cease. Then I turned my consideration to the extra strenuous workout routines on the listing.
Indoor Sports activities
The primary of those was that pleasant little pastime of touching the ground with the finger-tips with out bending the knees. ‘I”he instructions learn. “Could do solely ten instances at first. Improve later.” Mme. Claudine is about as indulgent as Simon Legree. I did that train ten instances, fastidiously and painfully abstaining from bending my knees at first, later dishonest shamelessly and bending them recklessly. The subsequent train necessitated mendacity down, —oh, on the ground after all. That makes it more durable. Implicitly obeying directions, I lay down on my again and put my fingers behind my head, identical to “Peter Ibbetson.” Then I raised my left foot excessive within the air, contemplated it for some time, then dropped it to the ground, solely to repeat the efficiency with my proper foot. I did this ten instances. There could also be some who can undergo these workout routines and nonetheless maintain their dignity and self-respect, however I felt extraordinarily bashful and self-conscious.
The ultimate train consisted of rolling— rolling the size of the room after which rolling again once more, like a human egg-race. This, too, ought to be completed ten instances. Right here, once more, I cheated,—I solely did it eight. By that point, I felt precisely like a British tank.
On the conclusion of those atrocities, I rose painfully to my toes and glanced on the clock. Thus far, my magnificence tradition had taken simply an hour and 1 / 4.
“It is a good factor I haven’t got to do that within the daytime,” I mused. “It could minimize into my knitting frightfully.”
A Legion of Lotions
My face was the following object of my devotions. There have been a number of volumes of directions with reference to the face alone. I washed my face in each conceivable method and from each recognized angle. I drenched it with lotions after which washed off each hint of them and placed on others. One needed to maintain working in circles that manner, it appeared. Nothing was ever undoubtedly placed on and left to remain there and do its worst. All the pieces was rubbed grudgingly on after which washed rapidly off, to be instantly changed by one thing else, which, in flip, was solely allowed to remain an on the spot. It was an limitless course of and a thankless one. To complicate issues, I turned misplaced in a maze of jars and bottles. I misplaced observe of the lotions I had used and people I hadn’t. I had a hideous feeling that in my helpless confusion I had utilized sure of the lotions two and even thrice, whereas others I had uncared for completely. I foresaw the necessity of a resident knowledgeable accountant.
After which the period of the home equipment started. First there was a set of little crescents of plaster, meant to adorn the corners of my eyes and mouth, to frighten away trespassing wrinkles. I utilized them gingerly to my face. However that wasn’t all. There was a kind of harness subsequent,—an implement of tapes and straps and bandages that handed underneath the chin and across the head. I overlook simply what was the aim of this instrument. If it was invented for the promotion of insomnia, it actually achieved its finish. It’s scarcely a turning into article, and the method of donning it makes one really feel surprisingly like a fire-horse. Till I had worn this association, I felt that nothing may very well be extra uncomfortable than the relentless bits of plaster on my face. I spotted nearly immediately, nevertheless, that I had been gravely mistaken.
That being all that any mortal face might stand, my fingers had been the following victims. They needed to be massaged, first, with their very own little horde of pores and skin meals. Then I wormed right into a pair of medicated gloves, that had been to make my fingers phenomenally gentle and white. They reached to my elbows, and, although Mme. Claudine had assured me that they had been the suitable measurement, they appeared to have been made for some one in all concerning the basic construct of Grant’s Tomb.
A Becoming Finale
However the final touches—oh, these had been the issues! All that I had beforehand undergone was mere leisure com’ pared to Mme. Claudine’s swan track—the final issues she had wished on me. There have been ten of them,—ten depraved little devices of cruelly glittering metal, to slide on one’s fingers and make them taper gracefully. Every little instrument is supplied with a screw. You match the implement in your harmless unsuspecting finger, then screw it tightly. When the stress is as tight as you ca endure with out screaming, you give it screw a number of extra twists, and go away it that manner all evening.
That concluded the night’s leisure. Evidently, Mme. Claudine’s creativeness had given out. I used to be allowed have the few remaining hours of the evening for my very own units. Weary and aching. I leaned on a chair for much-needed sup port and sadly surveyed myself m mirror. I can solely say that my look would have been grounds for divorce in any state within the Union.
For the primary time in my life, I used to be overcome by a dread of fireside. I’d somewhat have perished within the flames than let any fireman see me as I used to be. I prayed fervently to be delivered from burg and from messenger boys bearing telegrams. I shivered on the horrid thought “Suppose I ought to die within the evening!”
I’ve by no means continued my magnificence course. I do know that I ought to have braveness, that it’s weak and unfeminine to not go on with it. The nonetheless full bottles and jars, the empty gloves and headdress, are so many silent reproaches to me. However I can’t carry myself to once more. I’ve by no means absolutely recovered from my one journey in quest of magnificence. I shall by no means be the identical. There are segments of me that may by no means cease aching once more. But the world is stuffed with girls who undergo the entire routine each evening of their lives! And to assume that dauntless creatures like that may’t have the vote!
