Afrigather Welcome again to our sequence Rembert Explains. Sometimes, 28-year-old Rembert Browne will watch a video from the previous. Rembert will write down his ideas as he’s watching the video, then we’ll put up these ideas right here. This week is the ultimate installment, chosen by Rembert Browne: “Unleash the Dragon” by Sisqo, from the 12 months 1999. When you have an thought for a future episode of Rembert Explains, it’s sadly too late.
(This isn’t the primary time I’ve written about this video on Grantland. In one of many early YouTube Corridor of Fame posts [date: October 26, 2011], this was my blurb decide for “The Worst Music Movies of All Time.” Feels proper to go lengthy on it, 4 full years later.)
0:02 This video is already costlier than it must be. Two seconds in, there has already been the sound of a helicopter, an aerial shot, and an precise crowd.
0:08 Why did all of those individuals present up for this video? I’ve by no means seen so many individuals make such a foul choice on the similar time.
0:11 It’s so upsetting that as an alternative of simply doing a music video they tried to make this right into a “film.” That is what occurs when you have got the “Thong Tune” after which get the inexperienced gentle to launch extra singles that had been by no means alleged to be singles. Releasing “Unleash the Dragon” after “Thong Tune” is like getting good at soccer after which simply assuming you’d robotically be good at poetry.
0:19 Sure, it is a barricade and information crew, for Sisqo. A LOCAL NEWS CREW.
0:22 What a time.
I wish to be very clear about one thing: I like Sisqo. He was the lead singer of one of the underrated R&B teams of all time, Dru Hill. Each time I watch the video to “5 Steps,” I cry, particularly when THAT DOVE COMES OUT AT THE END AND THEN SISQO KNEELS — LORD LORD LORD.
However this tune is inexcusable. And this video completely takes it excessive, within the sense that perhaps he (and everybody concerned) ought to have gone to jail as quickly because it was completed.
0:25 Folks actually introduced flags to this Sisqo block occasion prefer it was Glastonbury. Unreal.
0:27 I haven’t seen this video in years, so there are going to be fairly just a few Sisqo realities that I forgot existed. Just like the chain.
Additionally, WHY THE UNDERSCORE AFTER “DRAGON”? I’m already getting pissed off.
0:28 Simply as a reminder, it’s nearly been half a minute and there has not been any music. Additionally, why are human beings serving to Sisqo placed on his jackets like he’s Jed Bartlet or one thing?
0:29 Think about being the recipient of sun shades from Sisqo and him not even taking a look at you. Simply completely disrespectful.
0:37 Sisqo lastly sang one thing — “the dragon” — in Sisqovoce. Additionally, he spun a microphone round his finger, which I can’t make a GIF of as a result of it’ll give me a pc virus.
0:38 It’s at this level in music historical past that Sisqo begins one in every of our greatest buildups after which instantly lets down humanity like we’ve hardly ever ever seen. He hits us with the spoken phrase:
What I’m about to do
I’m positive no person anticipated
However that’s what I do
Y’all know me
Proper now
I’m about to launch the dragon
Uh, uh, come on
0:55 After which the drop:
Right here I come
N----s maintain me again
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Nothing is funnier than this. I’m sorry. Nothing. I’ve by no means seen somebody be much less intimidating of their most intimidating life second than what Sisqo does proper right here. He misplaced the battle earlier than the minute mark, and there are nonetheless six extra minutes.
HERE I COME. N----S HOLD ME BACK — I NEED OXYGEN.
Top-of-the-line components is the group response. They find it irresistible. “GO SISQO WE LOVE YOU” they’re in all probability screaming as he berates them with HERE I COME / N----S HOLD ME BACK.
1:02 I really feel like that is positively Ben Carson’s go-to tune in karaoke.
1:03 He has extra lyrics. And never a single one must be neglected.
Bored with holdin’ again
I’m about to let the drag’ assault
It’s an excessive amount of. Enjoyable reality: The “Unleash the Dragon” video is the prequel to Purple Tails.
1:10 One of many notes I made in that 2011 blurb about “Unleash the Dragon” was concerning the possible plan main as much as writing the lyrics: “Sisqo ought to say the N-word greater than 70 instances.” Via 70 seconds, he’s very a lot on tempo:
Bugged out n----s
Thugged out n----s
I don’t actually care
You all my n----s
And wouldn’t you already know it, the group loves it. But it surely’s nearly as if he desires the group to take him extra critically, however they’re not — PERHAPS CAUSING ANGER THAT MIGHT, IN TURN, CAUSE HIM TO UNLEASH THE DRAGON.
1:11 In case anybody was questioning what file label Sisqo was on on the time:
Yep, the reply is, in actual fact, Def Soul.
1:16 Sisqo has made it to the refrain, however he’s nonetheless so critical. And he’s on his balcony, together with his Purple Tails dancers, singing and dancing, begging the group to take him critically. However they gained’t; the group is simply smiling and cheering from beneath. He’s assuring them, “Y’all n----s gon’ make me / unleash the dragon.” However they’re not listening. Then he’s all, “I do know you don’t actually wanna / unleash the dragon.” However nonetheless, they’re simply so gleeful, joyful to be at a Sisqo live performance. However what they don’t know — a indisputable fact that Sisqo clearly is aware of — is that that is larger than any regular live performance. The stakes are at an all-time excessive.
1:18 The bottom begins to shake, inflicting everybody to turn into a really unhealthy actor.
1:28 The sudden quakes are getting so unhealthy that Sisqo stops singing. Not dancing, nevertheless, as he and the Purple Tails would by no means decelerate. Nobody can actually know, however I really feel as if the seismic disturbances are barely linked to this dragon Sisqo retains speaking about.
1:47 Round this level of the tune/video, it will get unnecessarily unhealthy. It’s the purpose when the video absolutely takes over the tune; the commotion of the scene is thrice louder than the lyrics and the music, which is enhanced solely as a result of Sisqo is barely singing anymore — since, you already know, this video is actual and all.
1:56 That is so unhealthy. Sisqo goes three seconds with out singing, after which simply screams “OH NA NA NA.” How did this occur. How the hell did this occur?
1:59 Uh-oh.
This could possibly be unhealthy. Additionally, many of the crowd has been launched to the bottom by what the newscaster with the slicked-back hair is looking “an earthquake.” However I’ve a sense Sisqo is the one one who’s pondering, Wait, this won’t be an earthquake, by which case I actually may need to unleash the dragon.
2:08 BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.
THAT’S A DRAGON, LADIES AND GENTS.
3:10 A full minute goes by of this dragon simply destroying everybody on one metropolis block, stepping on vehicles and punching buildings whereas numerous terrified individuals say, “OH SHIT.” The place’s Sisqo? Very unclear. Is that this nonetheless a Sisqo video? Very unclear. Is there any music left? Very unclear.
3:12 The one factor extra puzzling than a dragon?
Tatyana Ali. Don’t attempt to make sense of it. Simply settle for what has occurred. Tatyana Ali is about to be the damsel in misery for Dragon Sisqo on this seven-minute film that would have been a Vine.
3:26 Oh, hello, Sisqo, how good of you to hitch us in your personal music video — NOW MIGHT BE A NICE TIME TO UNLEASH THE DRAGON, BRUH.
3:40 What occurs after Sisqo sees Tatyana down by the dragon is the dumbest factor I’ve ever seen. First, Sisqo yells “HEY!” on the dragon as if he’s in Newsies and it’s like c’mon, son.
After this dragon-unleash of a scare tactic, the dragon seems proper at him and Sisqo says, “What do you suppose you’re doing, scaring individuals, stepping on vehicles?”
The dragon breaths on him, launching Sisqo again to the doorway, after which out of nowhere the music begins once more and he simply sings “OH NA NA NA.” It’s nearly as if this had been finished in a single take, no script, and everybody had simply been molly-waterboarded.
3:46 “I do know you don’t actually wanna” —Sisqo, coated in dragon saliva, to the dragon.
4:11 This dragon, clearly very post-Sisqo, begins to begin swinging at him, just like the gnat that he’s. Fortunately for Sisqo, he’s actually good at entrance flips.
4:41 The following 30 seconds are actually darkish, even by “Unleash the Dragon” requirements. In any case of this, that they had the nerve to unleash two rap verses by two rappers whom I refuse to lookup, each of whom are sporting snakeskin outfits wrapped in turkey bacon.
And for these of you who’re involved with the dragon-tearing-up-the-city plot, sure, this verse is going down in a room that the dragon simply destroyed. And no, they don’t seem to be involved for his or her security, as a result of the room assuredly has Cristal.
5:00 Right here is your five-minutes-in Sisqo-in–The Matrix replace, for anybody nonetheless sick sufficient to be studying this:
That is additionally the second once I notice that is the best video of its time. It’s like seven completely different nightmares stitched collectively, dropped at you by the infinite budgets of the late ’90s.
5:20 Sisqo’s doing flips and avoiding being killed by the dragon, however I additionally simply remembered that Sisqo has that stomach tattoo. Simply didn’t wish to go away that out.
Additionally, Sisqo is getting his little ASS kicked, however doing it in fashion.
That shot alone value greater than Whiplash.
6:00 Should you hadn’t guessed, Sisqo finally ends up defeating the true dragon by unleashing his inside dragon. What, precisely, is his inside dragon? Dancing the dragon to loss of life.
First he does his heroic strikes:
After which he places on his shades (this time, on his personal).
After which he runs below the dragon, inflicting it to fall in an alley, the tip.
Sure, that’s how he defeats the dragon and saves the world. Like each first-level boss of a online game, he simply confuses it and it dies. Wow, some dragon Sisqo has inside. Good factor he’s so intelligent when his black outfit turns crimson and he turns into the dragon, out-dragoning an precise dragon. Thank god for Sisqo.
6:33 What Sisqo does subsequent … simply sit down earlier than you learn the following line. It’s truly an excessive amount of, the nerve he has at this second.
“SISQO. N---- WHAT” —DRAGON SISQO TO THE DEAD DRAGON.
We’re unfit.
There’s a bit of bit extra within the video, however it’s primarily simply Sisqo calling different dragons “n----s.” I’m so glad this horrible tune and this horrible video occurred. With out it, a 3rd of my lifetime tears by no means would have left my eyes. Thanks, Sisqo, for constantly carrying me to the gates of Valhalla each time I push play on this murals.
