How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I was recently hooking up with someone new and he really threw me off. We were dirty talking and he asked, “Am I the biggest you’ve ever had?” I was caught off guard. I just murmured some “mhm”s and tried to brush it off, but he wasn’t buying it. I’m not sure if the right answer would have been to lie to him to boost his ego in the moment or somehow ignore the question. The sex was otherwise good and I’d love to see him again but I can already feel myself dreading getting this question again. What’s the best move here if he does it again (and I have a strong feeling he will)?

—You Don’t Want Me to Answer That

Dear You Don’t Want Me to Answer That,

Your dilemma here has stakes. You are being asked to play into the contorted (you might even say deluded) way that many obsess about penis size. Inflation runs especially high on apps, where (at least in the gay world) it is wise to subtract an inch (or two!) from whatever number a guy presents. Continuing the charade IRL can feel like actively thrusting yourself into absurdism. You don’t have to lie to anyone for the sake of their penis-shaped ego. As reflected in your sign-off, people should think twice about asking questions they don’t really want the answers to. Unless this guy’s dick is in the 12” range, he should be able to envision a reality where, of course, there are bigger dicks out there and any given partner may have encountered one or more of them. The failure to do so is sheer egocentrism and it’s not your job to help some trick continue feeling like the center of the world.

I think you handled it perfectly. You glossed over it without interfering with the sex at hand. However, if you had straight-up lied (“Confirmed: Biggest dick ever!”), I for one would not have judged you despite the aforementioned stakes. An alternate interpretation is that this guy was inviting you to share in some fantasy play. He is probably aware that there are bigger dicks out there, but in that moment, what turned him on was the idea that he was supreme. Indulging that kind of fantasy during sex can be fun. Fantasies dodge truth by nature, but they aren’t malicious lies. It’s not unethical to play along, though for reasons specified above, this specific instance comes with baggage.

I believe there is no right answer here, and no wrong one either. This guy might have been seeking validation or he might have been kinky. You believe he will ask you this again, and as this is someone that you want to keep having sex with, you probably shouldn’t shut him down in the moment. Nodding your way through could work, but so could a slight dodge. If he asks you if he’s the biggest, you could respond by saying, “It’s big,” or “It’s up there” (provided that these words are close enough to the truth that you’d be comfortable with them coming out of your mouth). If you do just say yes for the sake of maintaining the vibe, I don’t think anyone would fault you, though.

Dear How to Do It,

I just tested positive for one of the high-risk strains of HPV. I get tested for STIs in between partners, but I didn’t realize that doesn’t include HPV tests—so the last HPV test I had was during my last pap smear, between two and three years ago. I’ve had multiple sexual partners since then, but all have been men and always with a condom. I’m not here to ask how I could have gotten it (I know condoms aren’t foolproof, I know HPV can be dormant for a while, etc.). I just want to know if, given that there isn’t an HPV test for men, I need to tell men I’ve slept with in the past couple of years for the sake of their future partners (I’ll definitely tell any women I may sleep with in the future). But what about a man I’m currently sleeping with? Or someone I might sleep with in the future? On the one hand, I feel like since they can’t get tested, it’s kind of pointless to let them know. On the other hand, I don’t want any of them to be having unprotected sex with a future partner because they think they don’t have any STIs etc (which they might not!). Am I dramatically overthinking this? Is there a clear rule here, either medical, ethical, or etiquette?

—Don’t Want to Be HPV Mary

Dear Don’t Want to Be HPV Mary,

You aren’t overthinking this. It’s a great question and one that has come up quite frequently in this column over the years. Many of the issues that you raise regarding the hairiness of disclosure make this an unresolved issue with no clearcut right answer. What you say is mostly true about testing men for HPV (with an asterisk that men can get rectal swabs, though that seems neither here nor there for your situation). Because of this reason (and more), the CDC (in 2021, so under the previous administration) printed on its website that “the benefit of disclosing a positive HPV test to current and future sex partners is unclear.” What could your guy actually do with that information? Consider safer-sex practices, as you point out. Maybe he is unaware of the prevalence of HPV (or its existence at all), but there is also a chance he’s well aware and knows that having sex means taking on the tacit risk of transmission. Condoms may help on that front, but HPV may be passed via skin-to-skin contact, so there are potential transmissions that occur for which no condom is made. Also, it’s estimated that 90 percent of HPV cases clear on their own within two years.

You aren’t a bad person if you don’t disclose, but if you were to disclose, you could use the opportunity to inform your partner about HPV. You could help make your partner aware of the Gardasil-9 vaccine, which protects against several cancer- and wart-causing strains of the virus. You could explain how prevalent the virus is (it’s estimated that 85 to 90 percent of sexually active people will contract it at some point). I get the sense that if the tables were turned, you’d want to know and if so, you can treat him as you would like to be treated. You don’t seem particularly worried about this scaring him away, which is good. If it does, it’s probably a sign of immaturity and not being able to face the risks of his own behavior.

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Dear How to Do It,

I (trans guy, 40, bi), have been with my girlfriend for nearly two years. The sex was fun and very good but never fireworks, and these days my interest in sex with her has cratered. There’s a few things going on here: I reduced my T dose, so my sex drive generally is lower, but there’s also some relationship-specific factors. Prior to doing that I was hornier, and didn’t feel like I was able to either have sex or masturbate regularly. We had a month when her sex drive was low, and I proposed cuddling while I masturbated, and she said yes in theory but generally didn’t want to in the actual moment. Another time she was upset when I wanted to take a break during sex and suggested she masturbate while we cuddled and made out.

She likes very slow, passionate lovemaking, which I’m generally into but sometimes want to have fast, hot, makeout sessions and sex. Sometimes when she wants to make out really slowly I just get distracted and forget what we’re doing. She’s into exploring anal, but with so many guardrails, and only on her. She will occasionally top, but rarely (I’m a true switch). She’s not into kink or anything beyond very light roleplay and extremely light bondage, whereas I’m into a lot of NC erotica and have played with CNC before. We do go to play parties and have had some encounters there, but I feel like I’m usually the one doing the cruising and organizing and have to check in to make sure she’s okay, which makes me more inhibited. I will occasionally go to a party by myself, but she doesn’t love it, and while I mostly hook up with guys, I know she doesn’t want me hooking up with femmes, which makes me feel like I need to police my behavior when I just want to feel uninhibited.

We’ve talked a lot about a threesome, which I have had a lot of and enjoy, but she hasn’t, and some of what’s stopping me is feeling like I’m going to have to do a lot of caretaking. Our sex life just feels so vanilla, straight, and limiting to me that I don’t even want to bother anymore. I know we need to talk about it and I’ll feel better, but I am afraid of coming across as accusatory. It’s fine for her to prioritize what she likes! I’m happy to please a lot of the time, but I just really need something to give me that frisson of tension. How can I frame this conversation and ask for what I need?

—The Talk

Dear The Talk,

There are some suggestions in your letter that you and your girlfriend may have fundamental sexual incompatibilities, so I think the first thing to sort out is why you think it’s worth it to stay in this relationship. You can make a list—literally write or type it out. I want to be clear that I’m not saying that you should break up, but you certainly are aware that it’s an option and you’re not taking it. Being able to name the reasons that are keeping you hanging in there will be useful for your conversation—you can sprinkle them in or even lead with them to potentially reduce the perception that you are being accusatory. If you start out complimenting your girlfriend and rhapsodizing your relationship, you can show you’re coming to the conversation in repair mode, not for the sake of combat. She may then be able to receive you in good faith.

You should also consider just how reasonable your asks are, whatever they may be (I would focus on wording more specific than “that frisson of tension”). It sounds like your girlfriend has pretty clearly defined boundaries that you are navigating well, at least practically speaking, but that are causing your grief. She may never feel fully comfortable at play parties, which to me suggests that she’s likely attending them for your benefit. If you’re always the hunter in those environments (at least when with her), and if you are always saddled with more inhibition than you prefer, can you hack it? Is it still worth attending? If she never is OK with you hooking up with femmes, and is it OK with you to just let that part of your interest go dormant as long as you’re with her?

You know, openness for many isn’t a free-for-all. It’s a negotiated setup between partners with varying needs and desires. It’s an agreement, or a compromise, really. It’s totally understandable if you feel like you’re giving a lot to reach this compromise without getting enough back. But again, she does seem to have conceded to your desires (she “doesn’t love” your attending sex parties solo and yet, she is aware that you do it and it hasn’t torpedoed the relationship). This may be her limit. I want to share some wisdom with you from one of the subjects quoted in Tristan Taormino’s ethical non-monogamy how-to, Opening Up: “You play to the level of the least comfortable person, if you want to keep everybody happy.” You may be at this level now. Consider what you will do if there’s nowhere else to go.

—Rich