Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I divorced my kids’ dad two years ago for the most selfish reason possible: I wanted to do less of the parenting for one of my kids. “Patrick” (15) has long-standing behavioral issues, although no developmental or learning issues. I spent all my parenting energy on him, and our more self-managed kid, “Amanda,” was falling between the cracks. My ex was always proud of being a dad in front of his family and friends. But he wouldn’t do the hard stuff. He wouldn’t do “girly things” for our daughter. And for Patrick, he avoided the endless slog of IEP or 504 or discipline or parent-teacher meetings. He always backed out of taking him to therapy appointments, and he never wanted to be the bad cop when Patrick hurt others. This stuff is hard, and I don’t have a very flexible job either, but it’s not optional. Couples’ therapy didn’t change anything.

I got to a breaking point when it came out that Amanda had a broken ankle and didn’t say anything because I was focused on an incident with Patrick at school. I realized that if my ex didn’t share the effort with Patrick, there would be no parenting energy or time for Amanda. We divorced and got a very firm parenting plan in place. We alternate kids every week. My ex hates it, and it’s not great for Patrick, either, since it’s less stability. He’s been having more issues recently. Patrick’s teachers also hate it, since they don’t have a rapport with his dad yet. But I’m so relieved, and I get to spend actual time with Amanda that isn’t squeezed between emergencies. She’s 14, and I feel like I’m getting to know a stranger. I feel so, so guilty. but I’m also so relieved. How can I help provide more stability for Patrick without losing the gains I’ve made in being able to parent Amanda?

—Trying to Do Better

Dear Trying, 

First things first: There was nothing “selfish” about your decision to leave your husband. You did something that many other mothers and wives have had to do—you parted ways with a man who refused to adequately contribute to the labor your family requires. Now, your ex has no choice but to step up and be active during his parenting time. You should be proud of yourself, and I hope that in the future, your children (especially your daughter) come to understand why your decision to leave their father was a necessary one.

You and your ex will have to create a new form of stability for Patrick—and for Amanda. To the best of your ability, work with your ex to come up with rules and habits that can be followed across households, such as times for bed, screens, and meals. Let Patrick know that, while things have changed somewhat, you and his father are both committed to supporting him to the best of your ability. Schedule a meeting with his teachers and your ex so you can discuss the new order of operations for your family and get Patrick’s dad the opportunity to connect with them; make sure that he is present for all conversations about your son’s 504 or IEP.

Hopefully, your ex has stepped into this new hands-on role. If and when he falls short, do not hesitate to kindly let him know that more is required of him now and that you are no longer in the position to do all of the heavy lifting as far as Patrick is concerned. You’ll also want to remind him that Amanda needs his attention, too, and that it is critical that you two don’t let her needs to go unmet as they once did.

I’m not sure what the age gap is between Patrick and Amanda, but you should also try to find ways to strengthen their relationship. They are both experiencing the change in lifestyle due to your divorce, and it would be great for them to be able to support one another. If dinner is generally a haphazard affair with everyone taking their own plate in opposite directions, schedule one night per week where the three of you eat together as a family. Involve them in the planning of family activities, such as outings and get togethers. Encourage them both to be tolerant of each others differences. Let Amanda know that you realize that there have been times where Patrick dominated your attention and that you are sorry for any hurt that may have caused her.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Is it unreasonable and cruel that my son and his wife won’t let us see our grandkids unless we drive 120 miles and make an appointment. They refuse to drive to see us (they only drive 10 miles to work and said we are too far and should move.) The situation has escalated to the point where we weren’t even notified that our second grandchild was born. We are blocked from their social media and had to hear about it from our friends. We put both our kids through law school and this is what we get in return.

—Parents of Ungrateful Children

Dear Parents,

There is a lot of context that I’m missing about the state of your relationship with your son over the years. Has there been contention between you for a long time? Did things change when he met his wife? Have you had issues with her? If you’re truly confused as to why your son wouldn’t want a closer relationship with you, ask him. Let him know that you want to spend more time with his family and that you don’t understand the disconnect. Be prepared for however he may answer; there may have been things that transpired in the past that bothered him that you are unaware of. He may have chosen to distance himself from you two over lifestyle differences or your political views. Do some self-reflection before reaching out to him. Was he harshly disciplined as a child? Have you guys ever had a serious conflict of opinions? Hopefully, he’ll share with you the reasoning for his actions, but if not, the answer may be you and/or your spouse’s previous behavior. If you can think of something you’ve done that would have upset him, you should prepare to apologize.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother suffered from bipolar disorder and depression and committed suicide last month. This has been devastating for the entire family, but my question is how my husband and I should address it with our 4-year-old son. He knows that “Uncle Jack” has passed on, and he has been asking questions about what happened. So far we have been telling Max that Uncle Jack was sick and that was why he died. At what age is it appropriate to tell him the truth, and how do we go about it?

—No Easy Answers

Dear No Easy Answers, 

I am so sorry for your loss. For now, it sounds like you’ve given Max an age appropriate version of events. When he’s around 8 or 9, you can talk to him about suicide and explain the truth about what happened to his uncle. Let him know that suicide is a choice that people sometimes make when they feel they have no hope, and that it is important to know that if he ever feels himself struggling with his emotions, he can come to his loved ones for support. Be honest about the fact that Uncle Jack had an illness that made it difficult to deal with his feelings. Explain that Jack’s death was no one’s fault, and that he shouldn’t judge or blame him for his decision.
In the meantime, try and keep your brother’s memory alive for Max. Keep pictures of him in your home, tell stories about him, celebrate his birthday. This may help both of you to come to terms with this loss.

—Jamilah

If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Classic Prudie

I am falling in deep love with a woman who I am not physically attracted to. Her mind, humor, and life goals are attractive but physically, we are not well-suited. Looks have not been the most important priority for me but I would be dishonest if I said it did not matter. Sometimes, I find myself looking away from her out of fear that my face will show what I am thinking. I am a clean-cut, and relatively attractive person. I don’t understand what this says about me. Are looks now unimportant? Is a potential relationship with this woman doomed to fail?