Afrigather Editor’s Be aware: There’s virtually nothing as lovely because the love that has stood the check of time. That’s the reason this month, BellaNaija Options and BellaNaija Weddings are bringing you lovely tales of {couples} whose love has not waned by the years with The Ever After Sequence.
At the moment, Prof. Philip and Dr Ayodeji Olataunji, who’ve been married for 45 years, are sharing their insights on love, marriage, and the perpetually journey. Let’s take you on a dive into their Ever After story. Trip with us!
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A protracted, very long time in the past, two younger folks, contemporary out of their Nationwide Youth Service, had a plan for his or her lives: work laborious and grow to be profitable medical docs. However then, love got here knocking.
Individuals say that the universe has a approach of constructing desires align, and once you meet somebody who’s the one, and who shares your desires and plans, you realize nothing else on the earth issues. 45 years in marriage and the Olatunjis are waxing robust, their desires aligning, their love extra intense and their hearts nonetheless beating for each other.
For the Olatunjis, their determination to get married could have made some members of the family upset. For what it’s price, two good younger folks within the medical subject who had simply accomplished their NYSC had been anticipated to pursue their careers, have their ft planted first and grow to be financially secure earlier than beginning a household. However for the couple, marriage felt proper at the moment. And so they weren’t unsuitable.
Individuals are inclined to struggle what they don’t perceive, so it didn’t come as a shock when each households didn’t approve of each spouses’ choices, even after the marriage.
And there was their first battle to struggle: the interferences of prolonged members of the family.
Prof. Philip: I’ve 3 elder sisters and they’re very opinionated. They used to return to our home now and again on the time we had been nonetheless struggling. They’d complain about what we had or didn’t have, what we did or didn’t do, and I knew that I needed to stand as much as them with a view to defend and defend my spouse.
There was a time we had my mom with us and a few of them felt that we weren’t wealthy sufficient, we weren’t doing issues proper and I needed to inform them, “look, you may come and have your mom in case you are not glad” however that didn’t occur. My mom stayed with me till she handed on.
At first, it induced slightly bit of bewilderment however as a result of we continued to indicate like to them regardless of that, they later got here round turned near my spouse. Now, they name her typically greater than they name me and he or she additionally calls them.
So, typically, the safety of each other is determined by one another and I additionally know that there are occasions when if you don’t stand to your partner earlier than your personal folks, no one will stand for her or him.
The Olatunjis could have been transferring at a slower monetary tempo than what their members of the family anticipated of two younger docs. However there was one thing that they had: an understanding of what marriage actually meant and the willpower to make it work. “In thick and skinny” are vows that ought to by no means be damaged.
Dr Ayodeji: The phrase willpower makes an entire distinction. I bear in mind once we first acquired married – I believe within the first 3 years – we had been put up youth-service and rented an condominium in Ibadan. My father got here on a go to and felt upset. Two docs, no furnishings, nothing. Once we completed our dialogue, he mentioned, “I’m going to get a furnishings man to complete a set of furnishings for your home.” I knelt down and informed him, “No.”
He mentioned, ‘no, I’m simply serving to’ however I stood my floor. It is because I knew my father. I knew someplace alongside the road in future, he could speak about it and I wouldn’t prefer it as a result of it’s not as if we weren’t fascinated with it. We had been simply taking our time and as at then, we already made a deposit for the furnishings and weren’t in a rush. So we stayed in our home the best way we had been. We had our audio system as seats, and a mat within the sitting room.
Sitting on flooring – or, on this case, audio system and mats – isn’t the one sacrifice the couple needed to make. Placing apart private needs or ambitions with a view to prioritise the wants of a relationship is more durable than many can envisage. And it’s one Mrs Olatunji needed to make.
Prof. Philip: My spouse delayed her entry to residency. The precept she used was that she completed having youngsters earlier than she entered residency as a result of we knew that it’ll stand in the best way slightly bit.
Dr Ayodeji: He began his residency as quickly as we completed. I took the choice realizing that we had been mates. This isn’t a world of competitors. I’d seen how a few of our senior colleagues who married on the identical time and went into residency coaching collectively had been sad and burdened their youngsters with unhappiness. They weren’t doing properly, additionally and located it tough to their postgraduate exams. So I mentioned, “I’ll do mine later.”
For a person with such excessive hopes for his daughter, her father was upset.
Dr Ayodeji: My father got here and informed me, “if it’s the correct approach my dad and mom skilled me that I skilled you, why ought to he (my husband) be studying to grow to be a advisor and you aren’t doing the identical?”
However she had the right response
Dr Ayodeji: I needed to inform him, ‘that is my dwelling.’ I did my residency 5 years after. My husband had almost accomplished his personal earlier than I began.
Turning into a medical physician is a feat that requires years of rigorous schooling and coaching. For {couples} who’re each pursuing this career, the journey to parenthood will be introduced with difficulties and overwhelming. How do you are likely to them of their toddler phases and information them by their teenage years amidst the calls for of a medical profession?
Dr Ayodeji: There have been occasions I wanted a maid and occasions I had a couple of. Nonetheless, the work of my maids was outlined. I by no means made private care of my youngsters to a maid. She was to assist in washing plates and maintaining the home okay.
Once they had been in kindergarten, earlier than 6, I bathed them within the morning and at night time. When youngsters go to high school and maintain accidents, I’m more likely to know rapidly and attend to it since I’m the one bathing them. I additionally made their private snacks, made my very own chinchin, groundnuts and all the pieces in order that from Monday until Friday, I simply packed what I wanted. I additionally made the rule that breakfast was not optionally available.
I had maids all by and I believe that diminished the stress. We additionally had lesson lecturers coming dwelling so we might supervise them. When it was time for biology instructor to be in my home, I’d name him. I additionally roamed the home to see what was happening. I requested the kids what they did and didn’t accomplish that. That communication was necessary.
One other factor we didn’t condone was youngsters bringing in issues that didn’t belong to them – like a toddler bringing dwelling pencil that doesn’t belong to him. We took him again to high school and informed the instructor that it was not his. I had my very own model of pencils so after they introduced something totally different, we knew. By so doing, they knew that it was not okay to convey different folks’s issues dwelling.
We didn’t permit their instructor to go away with ‘that is how the varsity needs it.’ We gave them directions about our youngsters so they didn’t simply grow to be like one of many many youngsters in class.
Prof. Philip: One of many issues we did about parenting is that none of our children went to boarding faculties (and I’m not recommending that to anyone.) We determined that main and secondary college days had been the one alternative we needed to go something to them. I do not forget that in Ilorin, we used to drive 17 km to high school within the morning and choose them up within the afternoon. We had the chance of speaking to them, praying with them, listening to and answering their questions.
That is the place we additionally add that this isn’t our first encounter with the Olatunjis as we as soon as featured their son, Tobi’s wedding ceremony. Catch up here for those who missed it.
Dr Ayodeji: Parenting is usually you (the mum or dad) main by instance. I imagine very strongly that youngsters study loads by what they see, what they hear and slightly extra from what you inform them. So, it additionally boils all the way down to how we relate. If my husband has harm me, or there’s something to debate that may make me elevate my voice at him, I’ll in all probability not do it. We’ll merely simply inform ourselves to debate it later in order that none of our youngsters would say there was a time they heard us elevating our voices at one another. We’d relatively go to our room and type out ourselves.
The opposite factor about that communication model is that it additionally helped us to right them as and when due. We weren’t going to have a favorite. We’ve 3 youngsters, 2 boys and a lady and the one woman isn’t my favorite. She is my solely daughter however she has the identical alternative as her brothers. Her personal customary may not be what she thinks she ought to’ve had. However the reality is that we all the time have a look at it from the angle of that is what your brothers went by, that is the place you’re going to go to high school by way of which college they attended and what we purchased for them. We tried our greatest.
I do not forget that one of many boys wished to go to a specific secondary college and he was like, ‘a few of his mates who weren’t even doing in addition to he was had been within the college,’ I mentioned ‘no, you may’t.’ I got here dwelling to inform Daddy. I mentioned, “Daddy, what this younger man needs is unimaginable.” He got here and mentioned he’d win a scholarship and I mentioned ‘It isn’t about that.’ I do not forget that on the finish of his first yr in UI, he got here dwelling one night time and mentioned “Daddy and Mommy, I simply need to say thanks.” We had been like, thanks for what? Seeing his classmates, he realised that he was privileged and that was heartwarming for me.
Parenting must be the understanding that there is no such thing as a try to push one above others. That’s the reason I say my youngsters are 3 distinctive people with totally different traits. We raised them not attempting to suppress anybody’s persona for the opposite. That’s the parenting model we adopted.
Pay attention. They did that!
The Olatunjis have been married for 45 years, however for the couple, it appears similar to yesterday. They’ve nurtured their love with care and stored the hearth of romance burning by the years.
Dr Ayodeji: Perhaps I ought to say that now we have some traditions? We eat collectively as a lot as potential. My husband won’t eat if I’m not dwelling. He additionally shares his meat with me. He mentioned, ‘You understand that factor that we did on the marriage day that you simply give a chunk of cake to your husband and the husband provides to his spouse, it should be steady.’ That’s one thing we’ve been doing proper from the start and we nonetheless do it so far.
Additionally, we should kiss and hug earlier than anybody travels and we name repeatedly or ship a chat or one thing. So once we are actually other than one another – say he needed to go for a gathering, we’re in contact. Once we are collectively and I’m operating off to work, or he’s operating late for a gathering, he’ll come again and provides me my peck as a result of if he leaves with out doing that, he’ll come and pay double tomorrow. So, these are issues that though look small, we stay up for and we will inform one another ‘Oh, I miss you.’
Secondly, we discuss loads so late into the night time. We’re by no means uninterested in one another. I bear in mind certainly one of my massive aunts was asking what we had been all the time speaking about till night time. I believe that binds us collectively. Each time we get dwelling from work, we speak about what occurred at work –who did you discuss to? What did you see on the roadside, who pissed you off? You understand, you relieve the entire thing once more so stresses at work don’t actually have a spot to settle.
A lover, a husband, a father and an amebo associate? That’s a whole bundle. And once you add a dependable monetary bundle, you realise you will have received in life.
Prof. Philip: Because the day of our wedding ceremony, now we have by no means had totally different accounts. We’ve had joint accounts. And that doesn’t imply it’s simple to run however now we have run it efficiently. Let me additionally say I believe that most individuals who find yourself having issues with their spouses already noticed the issue earlier than marriage. Very importantly, if someone has damaged your arm throughout courtship, why are you stunned if the particular person breaks your leg after marriage?
The success of a wedding can already be predetermined. So for those who’re going out with someone and through an argument, he provides you a slap or bins you or brings out a knife, and says sorry kneeling down or mendacity down, that ought to provide the pink flag.
Everybody says marriage is a stupendous factor. What everybody doesn’t say is how simply it may well crumble when each events don’t put within the work. Somewhat praise right here and there goes a good distance, slightly compromise from each events, forgiving one another after they err, taking that further mile for each other… However, in fact, we aren’t the ‘marriage consultants’ right here, the Olatunjis are.
Dr Ayodeji: To the women, I all the time say allow us to ensure. Love isn’t blind.
Once we acquired married, I used to inform my husband I didn’t need a man like my father. He didn’t perceive however in our relationship, I started to level out among the issues he did that my father did too. And he adjusted.
The ultimate factor is don’t preserve your anger perpetually, don’t preserve a report of wrongdoings. You have to speak about it and work on it.
Prof. Philip: For these of you who learn, lots of you will have learn an excessive amount of about marriage that you’ve got learn past it. Your information is already past it. It’s good to learn, you will have examine a person that wakes up and brings espresso to his spouse each morning and also you’re anticipating the identical. All males don’t do like that.
Prof. Philip Olatunji is saying this as a result of –
Prof. Philip: We’re not the identical, you don’t know what the person does to his spouse after giving her the tea. If that’s all that you simply learn and that’s what you need to use to gauge marriage, hmmm…
You see, marriage is an expertise. You’ll be able to assist your marriage by studying, however you don’t must observe all the pieces you learn. Go along with an open thoughts, and make the most effective of it. Make changes for one another in order that issues can work the best way God needs them to work.
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Did you miss the primary version of The Ever After Sequence? Learn all of the episodes here.
